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28 April 2011 @ 10:48 am
BSG fic: Minimate Mayhem  
Um, so this is crack. Written for twelve_colonies, the bsg challenge comm.

Characters: Lee, Ellen, D'Anna, and Simon. just because they were the ones in THIS PICTURE PROMPT . oh, and Kara. The pic's lyssie's fault, IIRC (It might be the Helo Mini, since the real one is stupidly the same height, I can't tell, because I swapped the pieces around to fix mine. Anyway. In the fic, it's Lee)

If you are looking for more thoughtful, non-crack, I posted a Dee and Sam ficlet yesterday.

Today, no pairings, no plot, not a lot of canon.

JUST MINIMATE MAYHEM.



"What happened?" Lee demanded. Frakking toasters. They did this.

Somehow.

"We had nothing to do with this," Simon glared at him.

"I think if we just stay calm -- " Ellen suggested, but D'Anna cut in, exclaiming in disgust,

"I have no knees!"

Lee gingerly tried to bend his knees and found to his relief, that they did bend. Strange that having bendable knees was suddenly a bonus, not expected.

"This is unacceptable, how could you make us this way?" D'Anna demanded, turning on Ellen.

"Don't look at me," Ellen shot back. "My designs are functional. Talk to John, I'm sure this is his fault."

"Of course, because he's insane. But tell me, Ellen, who made him that way?" D'Anna demanded.

"He had free will--" Ellen started to protest, confronting D'Anna with all the pent-up rage she was capable of. Which, in Ellen, was a lot.

"Can we have a Cylon family fight later and figure out a way out of this?" Lee shouted, all out of patience. "We're made out of plastic! How the frak did this happen?"

"We have a bigger problem than that," Simon murmured.

"A bigger problem?" Lee demanded incredulously. "How the frak can we have a bigger problem than being turned into plastic? At least the three of you are Cylons, so it makes a little bit of sense, but I'm human. This is impossible! No one's ever going to ... believe..."

He turned his gaze to follow whatever Simon was looking at. His voice got lost as his eyes went up and up. And up. To look into the head of a giant cat, with enormous green eyes the size of Lee's head staring back curiously.

At which point Lee realized the cat was Lance, Lampkin's pet, and Simon was right, after all. They were all in a great deal of trouble.

"Either that feline has grown ..." D'Anna started and trailed off in disbelief and horror.

"We've shrunk," Ellen confirmed, also staring up at the cat. "Look at the cup."

Lee didn't really want to take his eyes off the cat, but had to glance at what seemed to be a fat metal pillar at least five meters high. It was one of the many metal cups found through the ship. And the ceiling seemed impossibly high... Luckily the cat was still pondering whether to eat them, play with them, or both. Unfortunately the one thing it had decided not to do was leave the strange miniature plastic humans alone. "We're the size of mice," he realized with dismay and decided to take out his sidearm. Romo was just going to have to forgive him. His hands were clumsy -- he had no fingers! gods! -- and worse, the weapon was clearly non-functional. "This is getting better by the second," he muttered. "What should we do?"

"We head slowly away and try not to look edible," Ellen suggested.

"If we're plastic, we're not likely to be palatable to a cat," Simon offered.

"It could chew our heads off," Ellen reminded him. "Same result."

Simon nodded. Or would have if his head was hinged that direction. "Good point."

"Move," D'Anna ordered.

They started to move very slowy -- Lee holding his sidearm in what he hoped was a more threatening than ridiculous manner at the cat, to keep it back. They moved very slowly since neither of the women could bend their knees so they could only awkwardly rock back and forth.

"Whoever thought of this, I'm going to kill them," Ellen muttered vengefully, between her panting breaths. That kind of rocking-walk was apparently hard work. "Then I'm going to resurrect them and kill them again. Very slowly."

Lee thought he should object to that, but after glancing at his useless tiny plastic sidearm held in his useless tiny plastic hand (and he was resolutely not thinking about something else that seemed to be altogether missing when he tried to look down), he decided Ellen was right. Torturous resurrection was the only just punishment.

The cat was following them, slowly. Apollo didn't know much about cats, but he was sure that look meant curiosity. "To the cup," he suggested. "We'll hide behind it."

They continued their slow stagger to the cup, with Lance pacing them. Simon reached the cup first, and Lee realized his error as Lance lifted one enormous paw, and swatted the cup.

It sounded like thunder as the cup was hit, and Simon was thrown, yelling. The rest of them fell down, and Lee tried to cover his head with his hands, except nothing bent the right way. "Frak!

He glimpsed the giant paw coming again and frantically rolled, yelling, "Ellen, watch out!"

The paw whooshed over his head, slamming down next to him and shaking the ground like the wrath of the gods. Heart-hammering and expecting another swipe of the paw, he waited a moment, but nothing happened. Warily, he climbed back to his feet and heard Ellen, "Get off me! Let me go!"

She was pinned down by one of the paws, Lance looking very satisfied. Not thinking twice - only thinking how irritated Tigh was going to be if Lee let Ellen get chewed on by Romo's frakking cat -- Lee hurried over and grabbed through the fur as long as his arm to hit the paw. "Let her go. Let her go, right now!"

He didn't even see the paw this time as it slammed him through the air. He let out a scream and hit the ground hard, bouncing and sliding, with no way to stop himself. Then he skidded right over the edge -- frak, there was an edge! That meant this was the table, not the floor, and that meant he was going to fall a long ways. He was falling.

Then something huge and warm grabbed him. "Whoa there, back on the table."

Lee shook his head as he was set back on his feet. Gingerly he moved and appeared to be undamaged. "Frak, that was close."

Then a huge pale face was suddenly looming over him and he realized -- Kara had caught him. "Lee?" She poked him with her finger and he fell over on his back.

"Kara, cut it out!" he shouted. "Rescue Ellen from the cat."

She kept staring at him, not too differently than the cat had. Ordinarily Kara Thrace was very beautiful to him, but he really didn't need this much of a look up her nose. "Lee?" she asked again, stunned, but also starting to grin as if this was the funniest thing she'd ever seen. "Is it really you? Oh my gods, this is... how the frak did this happen? Why are you a little toy?"

"Kara, it's not funny!"

That made her laugh - and the resulting breeze was foul and made him cough. "Good lords, brush your teeth!" he yelled in disgust.

That made her laugh harder, but she shook her head. "Only you, Apollo." Then she picked up Lance and put him on the floor, and set Ellen, D'Anna, and Simon carefully on their feet next to Lee.

"I bet we could build you guys a little house," she mused, her eyes bright and laughing. "And Lee could ride around in one of the model Vipers from the war room. Hera would love it." And she chortled with utter glee.

It was pretty frightening.

"I don't see any humor in this at all," Simon said stiffly.

"We need to be returned to our former selves," D'Anna demanded.

"We need to find out how this happened in the first place," Ellen added.

Kara waved a hand. "Sure, we'll get to that. But first," she pulled out a camera. "Smile!"

Lee could only sigh.

 
 
 
scifishipper: lee adama is not happyscifishipper on April 28th, 2011 06:50 pm (UTC)
I have been giggling like an idiot while reading this. It's just amazing and brilliant. BRAVO x 100000. So. Damn. Funny. You are made of win!
lizardbeth: Lee - frak!lizardbeth_j on April 29th, 2011 07:49 pm (UTC)
thanks! I AM ON CRACK. That is all. :)
entertaining in a disturbing waylyssie on April 28th, 2011 10:44 pm (UTC)
OMG THAT IS THE BEST THING EVER.

(and it is Lee, yes)
lizardbethlizardbeth_j on April 29th, 2011 07:50 pm (UTC)
oh, good, I thought it was Lee,and then I looked at theepic again and I was like, "He could be Short!Helo..." and then I was convinced it was Helo after all.

:D
lizardbethlizardbeth_j on April 30th, 2011 03:30 am (UTC)
also.

I'm glad SOMEBODY shares my sense of humor! :D